"When you can't run anymore, you crawl...
and when you can't do that

You find someone... to carry you."


"It's funny. We went to war never
looking to come back, but it's the
real world I couldn't survive. You
two carried me through that war. Now
I need you to carry me just a little
bit further. If you can..."

Its funny, I just saw this Episode of Firefly again. Its one of my favorites. I've never asked anyone to carry me. Its not in my nature. I'm more like an animal in that aspect I suppose. When I can't run or walk...when I can't stand on my own I crawl off to die.

Its easy to fall into the rut of how hard own own lives are....how much we are Broken. I've ignored my own cracks by focusing on others but sooner or later the wall comes down and if there is too much emotional weight.....the whole house comes with it. I've never asked to be carried.....doubt I ever will. It would be nice to share that burden though....even if it means sharing theirs as well..... two oxen can carry 4 times the load....funny, huh?

"When you can't run anymore, you crawl...
and when you can't do that.....well....."

Riding home tonight I was thinking about something I had read earlier in the day. It was a question really .... "If you had to sum up your life in a single phase, what would it be?"

Now, years ago I joked with some friends that if I ever wrote a Memoir I would entitle it "Opportunities Lost: The Road I Have Taken". My last Hurrah in the Army and subsequent ongoing fight with PTSD / Depression gave me a different point of view though and it took this question to make me stumble upon it ... to actually codify it, if you will.

"Just One More ....."

You can fill in the blank with anything really.

Just One More....

Push up, sit up, bite, picture, shot, day, week, month, year, date, relationship, failed relationship, mistake, win, patrol, fire fight, pill, shot, drink, smile, laugh, game, card, lie, truth, fight, sacrifice, face, friend, death, soldier, job, test, success, failure and so on.

Just One More.... "Thought"

Most of my life I have put nearly everyone else before me.....even complete strangers. That last part goes with wearing the Uniform. Yes, there have been things I have been selfish about but I have gone without so that others didn't have to more then anyone knows. I'm not looking for kudos or thanks. That's not why I did it. That's not why I DO it.

Just One More.... "Dream"

At almost 40 I have been places and seen thing most people never will ... Great things, amazing things and yes, soul wrenching horrible things. Consequently I have dreams of stunning vistas and amazing times .... and I also have nightmares that I don't share with anyone save my Doc. Triumph and Tragedy, Happiness and Sorrow, Anger and Peace, Contentment and Depression. Sometimes I find myself alone in a room full of people because something made me think of another time and place. Maybe it was a good time and maybe it was bad

Just One More.... "Tell"

I had to go to a Therapist to realize that we all have tells ... little things that we do that give us away when we play Poker but these are tells that show when we are hiding things, things like hurt. I learned what mine were, at least some of them anyway and that helps me keep myself honest. Sometimes I find myself alone in a room full of people because something hits me just right. I have a tell for that too. It happened tonight but I've gotten so good at 'faking the dealer' over the years that I'll bet no one even guessed. I've learned some of the tells other people have. Once in a while, I let them know that I know because I hope it will help that they know someone knows .... that they are hurt or sad. Hopefully it gives them an avenue .... a friend to talk to, a shoulder to lean on or cry on.


Just One More.... "Ramble"

So yeah, anyway .... "Just One More....". That's me .... that's my story. It's one that will probably never be told and I'm very O.K. with that. I don't know where I'm going and I can't change where I've been and I'm O.K. with that too because I wouldn't be who I am if I did change it. Some days it just seems like I'm wasting it, you know?

Labels: feelings, personal, Reflections

This past Saturday was Mystic Circle's Mabon Rite and the theme was Charity. We were asked to have an example of a charitble act that we had performed in the last 30 days and to share it with everyone as a part of the Ritual.

Now, initially I was stumped and joked with a friend of mine that I guess I'd have to say that as an act of Charity there were a couple of individuals walking the earth that truely deserved to be in the ground but I had forgone that urge. Truely that falls more under Mercy than Charity but hey......

Instead I made a contribution to the Childrens Burn Foundation for the 5 year old Iraqi boy whom had been doused in gasoline and ignited by gunmen in ski masks. He's undergoing a series of painful operations to remove terrible burn scars and scar tissue and to try and give him a semblance of normal life. Gods know he deserves it.

During the Rite I was reminded several times of little things that we do everyday that can be considered Charitible Acts. Remember helping that elderly lady who needed that heavy bag of flour in the supermarket? How about holding the door for the mother of three small children so she could get them all inside and out of the rain? Stopping to listen to someone who has had a bad day, not because you have to but because they really need to friendly ear. All of these are Charitable Acts. Too often we equate Charity with money and in that, we miss the point, we fail to be our best. Any random act of kindness is Charity so go forth and be Charitable.

Charity: Something given or done to help those in need, benevolence or generosity toward others or toward humanity.

Labels: Growth, Pagans, Spiritual

This song came out while I was in Iraq. When you are doing 2 combat patrols a day plus QRF, convoy escort and VIP escort as well as living on the most mortared FOB in the whole damned country you start thinking about 'today' and 'this moment' because there might not be another.

When I heard this song I sat down and felt tears in my eyes because it really hit me...how true these words are. I promised myself that I would Live like I was Dying ...live every day to the fullest if I made it home. I have long since broken that promise but still......its something to strive for because you never really know, do you?

Live like you were Dying by Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early 40's,
With a lot of life before me,
When a moment came and stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days,
Lookin' at the x-rays,
And talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in,
This might really be the real end,
How's it hit you,
When you get that kinda news? Man whatcha do? He said.......

I went sky divin'
I went Rocky Mountain climbin'
I went 2 point 7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To Live Like You Were Dying

He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all a sudden goin' fishin',
Wasn't such an imposition,
And I went 3 times that year I lost my Dad.
Well I, I finally read the good book,
And I, took a good long hard look,
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then.............


I went sky divin'
I went Rocky Mountain climbin'
I went 2 point 7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To Live Like You Were Dying

Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity
To think about what you'd do with it
What did you do with it?
What did I do with it?
What would I do with it?

I went sky divin'
I went Rocky Mountain climbin'
I went 2 point 7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an Eagle as it was flying
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To Live Like You Were Dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

Aren't fun.....

Try riding on mine if you think they are.

Labels: feelings

And now the end is near
So I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
Oh, and more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you know
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fails, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, no not me
I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got
If not himself, then he has not
To say the words he truly feels
And not the words he would reveal
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

I loved this song the first time I heard it. It was Elvis Presley not long before he died. Years later I heard the Frank Sinatra version of it and loved it all the more. To me its the words of a man who is looking back at his life after a looong run and says "Screw it....I have no apologies and no one to blame because I lived on my own terms".

In a way it mirrors the way I chose to live. Oh, I know we all touch each other's lives and add our own little moments but we all make our own choices. When I do finally die, eons from now, I can slide into the Darkness knowing that no matter what, for good or ill and with no illusions .... I did it My way.

Labels: Reflections

Recently one of my Uncles suffered the misfortune of having his dairly barn burn down. Most of the cattle were saved, and ultimately all that was lost was a barn, a tractor, a manure spreader and a couple of cats and some calves.

The insurance company sprung a little suprise clause on him. You don't get a check for the full value of the damages unless you sign a letter saying you will rebuild. That said, it really grinds on my nerves that a person can pay his premiums all those years and get a 10 grit sand paper dildo rammed up his ass. I guess that sort of helps explain why there are fewer and fewer farms operating in the Upstate area.

What does all of this have to do with Faith or Religion? Well, there is a strong (if small) Amish / Menonite comunity up there and within days of the burning a few of the men came by and offered to raise a new barn if my uncle wanted to rebuild. He'd have to supply the materials and lay the cement but they'd do the rest. He agreed and sure enough, come the day agreed upon they were there and the work was done. My family is Roman Catholic and has been for who knows how long....much longer than I've been alive. Yet, here these folks were....because it was what they believed was the proper, Christian thing to do.

You can say what you like about these people but they actually practice their Faith. Its not the going to church once a week, being a jackass the rest of the time, confessing and doing penance, wash, rinse, repeat, as it seems to be in the vast majority of Catholic churches and congregations today. Its not the half hearted crap I've seen in a half dozen churches in the past year. It's a true dedication to their Faith. In short, they act on their Faith. They practice charity for the sake of charity, kindness for the sake of kindness and forgiveness because they truely believe that it is God's place to make judgement and not theirs.

I've always liked the Amish way of life but I have a new found respect for their values and their commitment to their Faith. Pity more folks aren't more like them. The world would be a better place.

The Golden Rule.

In action.

If I were God, I'd be smiling.

Labels: Beliefs, Faith, Religion