Riding home tonight I was thinking about something I had read earlier in the day. It was a question really .... "If you had to sum up your life in a single phase, what would it be?"

Now, years ago I joked with some friends that if I ever wrote a Memoir I would entitle it "Opportunities Lost: The Road I Have Taken". My last Hurrah in the Army and subsequent ongoing fight with PTSD / Depression gave me a different point of view though and it took this question to make me stumble upon it ... to actually codify it, if you will.

"Just One More ....."

You can fill in the blank with anything really.

Just One More....

Push up, sit up, bite, picture, shot, day, week, month, year, date, relationship, failed relationship, mistake, win, patrol, fire fight, pill, shot, drink, smile, laugh, game, card, lie, truth, fight, sacrifice, face, friend, death, soldier, job, test, success, failure and so on.

Just One More.... "Thought"

Most of my life I have put nearly everyone else before me.....even complete strangers. That last part goes with wearing the Uniform. Yes, there have been things I have been selfish about but I have gone without so that others didn't have to more then anyone knows. I'm not looking for kudos or thanks. That's not why I did it. That's not why I DO it.

Just One More.... "Dream"

At almost 40 I have been places and seen thing most people never will ... Great things, amazing things and yes, soul wrenching horrible things. Consequently I have dreams of stunning vistas and amazing times .... and I also have nightmares that I don't share with anyone save my Doc. Triumph and Tragedy, Happiness and Sorrow, Anger and Peace, Contentment and Depression. Sometimes I find myself alone in a room full of people because something made me think of another time and place. Maybe it was a good time and maybe it was bad

Just One More.... "Tell"

I had to go to a Therapist to realize that we all have tells ... little things that we do that give us away when we play Poker but these are tells that show when we are hiding things, things like hurt. I learned what mine were, at least some of them anyway and that helps me keep myself honest. Sometimes I find myself alone in a room full of people because something hits me just right. I have a tell for that too. It happened tonight but I've gotten so good at 'faking the dealer' over the years that I'll bet no one even guessed. I've learned some of the tells other people have. Once in a while, I let them know that I know because I hope it will help that they know someone knows .... that they are hurt or sad. Hopefully it gives them an avenue .... a friend to talk to, a shoulder to lean on or cry on.


Just One More.... "Ramble"

So yeah, anyway .... "Just One More....". That's me .... that's my story. It's one that will probably never be told and I'm very O.K. with that. I don't know where I'm going and I can't change where I've been and I'm O.K. with that too because I wouldn't be who I am if I did change it. Some days it just seems like I'm wasting it, you know?

Labels: feelings, personal, Reflections