So many curious things of late.....things to think on...reflect on....to understand and accept.

A few things I have known for some time and just didn't want to accept. Once I did, I have felt 1000% better.

Trust is the single most important thing in my life right now. Has been for a while. I spent a time in a place where I could trust everyone around me with my life. Sure some of them pissed me off but there was no bullshit, no lies, no talking behind the other guys back. It was crucial, really....because you depended on those people every single time you rolled. Hell...I spent Easter Sunday on a big assed TRP.....15 hours....with these guys.....waiting for everything to blow up. The Battalion XO an I had a "discussion" in the middle of this place about how goddamed stupid it was to sit there that long. Did I win? Nope but I went to bat for my Joes.....and I did it alot. I took no shit from either end of the chain. You didn't even have to think about it....you just trusted.

When I got back home....that wasn't there.....I retired and the Unit was reorganized. Some of the guys stayed in but most got out. People back here have no idea what it was like....what the difference is.....despite some rather idiotic comparisons I have heard have been made. Imagine driving in your car in a snow storm....the roads are icy and suddenly you are skidding at a high rate of speed towards a concrete bridge pylon. Hit it and at the least you are looking at a long hospital stay and most likely a long mortuary stay. Think of how you feel. Now imagine that feeling for a year...24 hours a day and 7 days a week....that level of stress.... No movie captures it....no game, no book......nothing.

I blew off a lot of the back biting BS before I went overseas...and there was a lot of it. I just didn't let it bother me. I got e-mails in Iraq complaining about people back here who were supposed to be friends. Hell, I got e-mails asking me for money. It was ridiculous and I ignored as much of it as I could. When I got back home....I didn't realize it but I couldn't ignore it anymore. I just bottled it up until my stress levels were right back where they were over there. After a while I just stopped feeling anything. For a while I started feeling again...when I met someone who made realize just how screwed up I was and made me want to get better. All I had to do was be someone I despised. All I had to do was be the other man. I tried.....I lied to myself and I tried.....and after a while I was right back to feeling nothing again. I talked with my therapist and she told me I needed to start removing these strssors....and I tried to hold on to them...I did....weeks and months until finally I accepted that they weren't good for me....

I couldn't trust them to be truthful....they had lied to me again and again. I couldn't trust them to be honest and not backstab me....even with each other. You see. I have real friends and they do look out for me. They do tell me when there is some bullshit going on behind my back. Them I can and do trust.

Those that I can't are gone....and they aren't coming back....ever. Those that violated my trust more times than I can count....well.....they got a taste of their own medicine. Petty? You bet. Do I regret it? Only because I should have been better than that. I am better than that. They'll keep going but for me, this is the end.

In the end, I don't have to rant and rave because they are showing everyone their true colors. In the end...I'll recover and in the end my life will be better for their absense. Hell...it already is.

I used to train in the Dojo 5 days a week and that was with additional workouts at lunch 3 days a week. All total I would spend between 12 and 20 hours a week training in Karate. I did that for 10 years. I was in the best shape of my life and I was the most relaxed.

Its funny.....I knew that I could utterly destroy almost anyone that stood in front of me but that knowledge was enough to remove any desire to do so. When someone baited me I would just chuckle, smile and walk away....them never knowing how close they had just come.

Until January I had been away from any sort or martial arts training for over 2 years. I did practice on my own and I would play with some friends who used to go to the same school as I did but formal and regular training was out of the question. I've fought bouts of depression that never seemed to really end. And then I went back to a Dojo...Aikido this time....I'm too banged up from the Military and Karate to go back to the kind of training I was doing before. Aikido is completely different and should not be judged by what Steven Segal does in the movies. Its avoiding impact, avoiding using strength and avoiding conflict. I always feel great when I leave there and for a few hours after.

I just think its funny that capacity to inflict pain is often opposed to wanting to....at least for me.

I would be very disappointed.......with how my children have squandered their gifts.

The best thing about being God though....I could always start over.....

With Cats or something smart enough not to defficate where they eat.

What a waste.....

Ah well....back to the drawing board......